Popular beers that suck

Posted on May 4, 2011

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As many of you know, I used to blog beer reviews on a weekly basis for so-called “Brewmeister Mondays”.  School has made it difficult to keep up with this demand, and I have stopped doing the reviews every week.  I am not going to “can” the whole beer review aspect of the blog, but I will only be doing it when I feel like it instead of adding unneeded stress to my days by forcing myself to buy expensive beers and post lengthy reviews.  As part of keeping with the beer aspect that I want on my blog, I thought I would post a list of common popular beers that suck.

1.  Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.  There, I said it.  No other beer I think is so widely regarded as “amazing” or as someone’s “favorite” beer than is Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.  I don’t get it; the beer is absolute swill.  People are so used to the generic “party” beers such as Bud, Coors, and Miller that when they take one tiny step outside this realm of beer normativity they are often bewildered and enter in this epiphanous state where every new beer they taste is something to behold.  “Wow, this beer (Sierra Nevada) tastes so unique, it’s like nothing I’ve ever had before and I love it!”  Yeah, it’s called HOPS, and if you’ve had a quality pale ale you’d know that Sierra Nevada is about as bad as they come.  It’s basically just Bud, Coors, and Miller but with the all-too-bitter taste of hops Sierra Nevada is known for.

One more thing about Sierra Nevada–they’re constantly trying to be what they’re not, and failing miserably.  They have released a Porter, Stout, Hefeweizen, and other variants in an attempt to broaden their drinker base.  Every new beer they make just tastes like Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.  They all have this strange hoppy bitterness that simply doesn’t belong in other types of beer.  It’s almost like they start with their trademark pale ale and then add some cheap syrup to them that transforms them into the type of beer they want.  Want a stout?  Here’s a few squirts of caramel coloring!  Ta-da, there, it’s dark!

Sierra Nevada, stick to brewing what you’re good at–nothing.

2.  Newcastle Brown Ale.  This is another common favorite among infant beer drinkers.  Indeed, when I first broadened my beer horizons I thought Newcastle Brown Ale was a good dark beer.  It was probably the beer that would pop into my head when I thought of a dark beer.  Don’t let its color fool you–this beer is flavorless and is a disgrace to its brown tinge.  If you want a quality dark ale, stick to Fat Tire or Boont Amber Ale.  They’re still generally too light for my tastes, but they are about as good as brown/amber ales come.  Don’t let people fool you, Newcastle Brown Ale is perhaps one of the most overrated beers ever, second only to Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.

3.  Guinness Draught.  Absolute crap.  I know what you’re saying, “But Colin, it’s a very dark beer and you say you like dark beers, so why don’t you like Guiness Draught?”  Because Guiness Draught is a sorry excuse for a dark beer.  I’m not even sure how they achieved it, a beer so dark yet so void of flavor.  The alcohol content of just over 4% is probably the main reason this beer falls flat on its face.  And speaking of flat, what is up with the lack of carbonation in this deceptive beer?  They so loudly boast about their micro-bubbles, and I can see them and go “Oooh!  Ahhh!” , but when it comes to actually tasting this beer, it seems as though it’s been sitting out for a day.  A little more carbonation, please!  They probably eased off the bubbles in order to make the beer more “poundable”.  This way you can slam it down in a few seconds and don’t have to taste it.  It seems rather pointless though, since it really has no taste in the first place.

4.  Heineken.  I don’t know what the big deal is with Heineken.  People love this beer, and it’s nothing more than a light beer that’s not Bud, Coors, or Miller.  People probably think they are cool because they’re drinking this beer imported from Holland, and because it’s in a green bottle.  Little do people realize that green bottles are indicative of skunk beers.  Skunk beers result from letting in too much light so that the riboflavin reacts with the isohumulones–the molecule in hops that is known for that bitter, hoppy taste of pale ales.  The product of this reaction is a molecule called 3-methylbut-2-ene-1-thiol, which is structurally similar to the molecule found in skunk spray, or mercaptans.

5.  Samuel Adams.  I really can’t talk enough crap about Samual Adams beer.  They’re all horrible.  Experiment yourself by pouring it and trying to get a decent head.  You can’t do it.  I don’t care how hard you try, or how many times you try it, the head will dissipate similar to the way God dissipates in the face of logic.  The bubbles in the head are HUGE and resemble that of shaken-up water.  That’s because it’s basically water with beer flavor.  Every time I see someone drinking this swill I want to put a rubber nipple on their bottle and say, “Oooh, I remember my first beer, too!”, followed by a cheek pinch.

6.  Red Stripe.  If I have not offended all my friends beer tastes, I am sure I will have now by including this over-rated beer on my list of beers that suck.  Eddie, if you’re reading this, forgive me.  This beer is only popular because it’s made in Jamaica, has a uniquely shaped bottle, and has funny commercials.  That’s it.  Forget the fact that you like Bob Marley for one second and actually taste the beer.  It’s repugnant.  You can often find these beers in tall 24 oz cans at the local Beach Hut Deli for $2.00 after certain hours, but you couldn’t pay me to drink this stuff.

I am satisfied with the list of beers that suck so far.  I’ll update the list as more come to mind, but I think I dealt with the heavy hitters near and dear to many people’s hearts.

You’re welcome.

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Posted in: Brews, Funny